It made me feel safe. I couldn’t find the answers to all I
was feeling, but damn I was safe. What more could I want?
Well, as life and the picture I had painted, and the story that I
had written as my life, began to unfold the answer to that question
came. But, did I have the courage to walk uncharted territory
and forge my own way?
The answer to the second question began to unfold when I got
married at age 48, gave up a lucrative job with benefits, sold my
house, said goodbye to my family, and headed west to live my dream.
It all scared the @#$%! out of me. So I dusted off an old suitcase,
a family heirloom, and threw all my mental and emotional "stuff" in.
I put it into the U-Haul, right along with the furniture.
Out of family loyalty, of course, I kept that piece of luggage
when I arrived in Montana. I looked through it daily in the
first days and months in my new home. When I could no longer
lug all the emotional "stuff" I had moved with, and had none of the
old friends and family to reflect back to me the person I saw in
their eyes as me, I began to look through the contents of my
suitcase. Fear, fear, and yes, more fear was the predominant
theme. It came in all shades and styles in my wardrobe.
While still very frightened, I made a conscious choice to see what
thoughts about myself still fit and what emotions I wore because
others thought they looked good on me. Finally I began to
discard family and societal patterns, releasing beliefs that I was
taught were mine, handed down from generation to generation.
Who was I to drop the family ball? All this shook me to my
core and then was followed by an incredible sense of relief.
We all write our own story from the beliefs we carry with us in
that voice inside of our heads. After stripping myself of
everything I knew, the separation between my head and my heart
revealed itself. As I tried harder and harder to build my
dream with my mind at the helm, my dreams kept ahead of me.
When one of my guiding Angels appeared in the form of a friend, I
finally heard the message, "Go into your heart and listen."
That’s when my heart became part of the team of Love and Light
guiding me. I began to see that checking with and hearing my
heart was getting me where I wanted to be. I found that God
accepts me exactly as I am, motivating me to grow in trust and love
for my Self.
It can be incredibly frightening to be out of your mind and in
your heart. There is a huge attachment to identity, to conform to
society's standards, and to follow blindly the voices that are other
than Self. To lead with the heart, coming from a place of love
for self and others, takes awareness and trust of Self.
Despite the pressure, inside and out, to conform to the norm, I am
now committed to taking responsibility for building my dream, day by
day, thought by thought.
Who would have thought being "out of my mind" and committed could
bring me such peace?
