Butternut USA, a 15 year old Haflinger mare, is another of the horses in my life.
In previous blogs I wrote about my riding horses.
It is with a humble heart that I apologize to Butternut for making it seem I was leaving her out of the line-up of wonderful horses. Simply because she doesn't like to be ridden.
Butternut and I have been together for 12 years. She has challenged me, frustrated me, and on occasion bruised my ego and my body.
She is no less a major part of me, my family, my heart.
It took a long time to let go of the resentment of her taking us down a different trail. Actually not down any trail.
Butternut had different ideas of what her life should be than I did.
Could I love her anyway?
Could I let go of trying to change her and respect she is not a riding horse?
Could I let go of believing with the right options she would choose to like it?
Could I accept I just didn’t want to try?
I explored the possibility she would be happier with someone else. Maybe they could give her what I couldn’t.
Nothing panned out. And the years passed.
I have had a few other horses pass threw my barn, none meant to stay. I thought maybe Butter was one of those.
She wasn’t.
The heart of this tough minded gal is a fragile one.
She is John Deere on the outside, a ballerina on the inside.
Could I commit to her, even if it didn’t make sense?
Could I let go that a horse be only to ride, to have purpose ?
Could I let go of the voice that said there had to be a reason besides the love she gives?
I did let go of that voice and the voices of others that said to sell her.
Butternut gives her love with her loyalty. She has a trusting heart, to a point.
I call her my 900 pound teddy bear. It is hard to put into words how she loves just because, and how important that is.
It doesn’t have to make sense. The heart knows what the mind has trouble finding.
Butternut and I continue to find the blessings in our union.
It is not about what we do together with Butternut. But about what we simply are together.
Loving her has changed my relationships with my horses.
Is it wonderful to have the thrills of riding, yes.
Have I found my way to the bliss of simple love with her, yes. It is pretty amazing to find the thrill of the heart.
Butter will continue to challenge me, as my other horses do.
She holds me accountable to what is inside of me in ways my riding horses can't.
Butter has made it clear not to feel sorry because she couldn’t be what I wanted. It serves no purpose.
Getting past feeling she is not what I wanted has freed us both to finding what were ready for.
Finding what she is
to me and not what she isn’t taught me how that changes everything.